And I'm Still Hurting
by WizMonCruWil
Summary: OK, so I lied. But this is the very last Reylo story for a while, I promise. I wanted to write something where Poe and Finn actively help Rey through her grief, over her lost love, and I came up with this. Here is a sampling: "Ben... was he her lover? Undoubtedly, with how she grieved for him. And Poe and Finn let her grieve. They wanted to help Rey through her grieving." Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1: Grief

**Chapter 1: Grief**

It was a starry night on Ajan Kloss. Through the jungle trees, Co-Generals Poe Dameron and Finn watched concernedly as their Jedi friend, Rey Skywalker, sat at the edge of one of the jungle cliffs. Both men hoped that she would be getting ready to go to bed, if her clothes were any indication.

Ever since the Battle of Exogol, Rey had taken to wearing the same ensemble as her nightgown every night. And it was all black. It would have been scary, if the pajamas weren't much too big for her. The baggy pants were cinched in as far as they could go. The black sweater hung loose on her arms and dangled nearly past her hips. And the cowl - which seemed the most unnecessary article for bedtime - was always draped around her like a comfort blanket.

On the whole, the get-up seemed less like a favorite set of pajamas, and more like clothes of mourning for a grieving widow.

For that was the best way to describe the despondency that had come over Rey, ever since she had returned to the jungle planet from a brief pilgrimage. When the boys had asked her where she had gone, she had replied with a dull, clipped, "Tatooine." A sneaky refresh of the _Falcon_'s scanners had borne this alibi out.

Since then, Rey had sequestered herself in the famed ship, making it her official residence. If the freighter ever needed to be used for a mission, Rey always took some convincing, for she was loathe to part with it. She very rarely emerged to see acquaintances and rarely spoke to anyone. Poe and Finn were among the few that were every permitted to consistently get near her. The trio often had dinner together in the _Falcon_'s hull, sometimes three or four times a week. On these quiet evenings, Rey would take her friends around to show them what she was doing to the ship, to make a house a home. That was how Finn and Poe had first gotten sight of Rey's choice of nightgown. And there were other strange sights as well - most noticeably the tiny white tick marks on the metal wall of what had once been Han Solo's former quarters. On a trip to the restroom during dinner one night, Poe had snuck into Rey's room to study the tick marks closer. What he found had deeply worried him, and chilled Finn: tiny scrawl of handwriting that read DAYS WITHOUT HIM. At least, that was what Poe had made out.

Poe and Finn's closeness to the Jedi was much to the envy of Rey's growing fans and admirers. Respecting her privacy, the two men had quickly started acting as gatekeepers to keep unwanted visitors at bay. Just as Poe and Finn had respected Rey's privacy and her wishes when she asked that they call her "Rey Skywalker."

The timing of this request could not have been more fortuitous, because a few months after Rey had returned to Tatooine, an anonymous source leaked to the press that the Jedi scavenger had been born Rey Palpatine - the granddaughter of the Emperor himself. When Poe and Finn had confronted Rey about it, she had broken down tearfully and begged their forgiveness for keeping such a secret, while renouncing her grandfather's name. And there was more to the story, Rey had tantalizingly promised. So much more. "Just, please, wait until I am ready to tell it."

But gazing at their best friend now, Poe and Finn wondered if she would ever be ready.

"Poor dear..." Finn murmured.

"Hey, maybe we can cheer her up a bit," Poe grinned. He hiked down to the cliff, Finn following warily. Arriving at Rey's side, Poe laid a hand carefully on her shoulder. His expression and tone were big-brotherly.

"Bedtime, young lady."

Rey nodded numbly, the moonlight catching the sparkle of something glistening on her cheeks. Clearly, she had been crying. She started to rise, her energy depleted.

"Another night alone..." she murmured. She whimpered, and then quite abruptly burst into tears, collapsing to her knees.

Finn and Poe were on her in an instant, wrapping their arms around her in the three-way hug they had since perfected. The men held her as Rey continued to weep, her sobs bitter as she clung to their necks.

"Oh, Ben..." she moaned. "I've lost him... I've lost him..."

Over her head, Finn and Poe glanced to each other. Now they had a name to go with the faceless presence that they knew deep in their bones haunted their friend. Ben... was he her lover? Undoubtedly, with how she grieved for him. And Poe and Finn let her grieve. They wanted to help Rey through her grieving.

"Oh, Ben..." Rey wailed, clinging to the boys. "I'm all alone... you left me alone..."

Poe shook his head fervently, reciting the words that Zorri Bliss had taught him. "The darkness wins when it makes you think you're all alone. You're not alone."

Something strange came over Rey's face just then, all at once. Quite suddenly, she was staring out over the cliffs beyond Poe and Finn, past them. Her eyes were far away, as if she was seeing something that only she could see. Then, her expression melted into something that Poe and Finn could only describe as undying love. Reaching out her hand, Rey intoned, "Neither are you."

Next instant, the moment ended. The spell was broken. Shaking her head to clear it, sniffling, Rey murmured meekly, "I'm ready now." Poe and Finn did not have to ask to know what she meant. Keeping her in their embrace, seating themselves around her criss-cross applesauce, they listened as Rey told them the story. _Her_ story.

Rey told them everything: how ever since she was a little girl, she had had visions of this dark, striking, beautiful but haunted man. How she had finally met this man of her dreams on Takodana, when he had swept her off her feet and carried her away like his bride to his ship. How they had formed a connection when he had interrogated her on Starkiller Base. How she and he had discovered they shared a Force Bond, able to communicate and see each other in secret from lightyears away. How they had touched hands by a fire's glow in a stone hut, on Ahch-To. How she had run to him on the Supremacy, and he had killed his own master to save her. How they fought the Praetorian Guard together. How they had tearfully been torn apart by ideology, personified in a lightsaber torn asunder. How their Force Bond had only grown and deepened into something even more intimate, allowing them to pass objects to each other across space. How they had healed each other, first with Rey healing Ben and confessing her love for him. How her Ben had come to save her while she was fighting Palpatine. How their Force Bond had blossomed so as to be considered a Dyad in the Force - two souls joined as one. How Palpatine had cast Ben off a cliff and Rey had defeated him, to the point of her death. How Ben had healed Rey to bring her back to life, and how Ben and Rey had consummated their union with a passionate, desperate kiss before Ben died in her arms.

Throughout all of this, Rey made the point of telling her friends that, although both personas had been physically embodied by the same man, Ben Solo and Kylo Ren were not the same person.

At the end of her sad tale, Poe nodded slowly in understanding. Finn copied him, though his head was hurting and far more dizzy, straining under the weight of obtaining full comprehension. At last, Poe smiled. If he and Finn were going to help Rey through her grief, her pining for her soulmate, he knew of a great first step to help her do that.

"Tell us about Ben," he murmured quietly, with a smile.

Rey took a shaky breath, and for the first time, her face was radiant, beaming. "He was very brave. Stoic. _Incredibly_ handsome." A tinge of pink bloomed on her cheeks.

"As handsome as me?" Poe teased, playfully tossing his dark curls back.

Rey smiled, giggled. "More so, I should think." Poe clapped a hand to his heart, pretending that she had wounded him, but his eyes were twinkling.

"He was kind," Rey continued. "Soft spoken. Very well read. He enjoyed calligraphy." Thanks to their Bond, their Dyad, she had grown to know intimately every little detail about him, her mate. "He could be a little cocky, but he was charming, in that way." Wiping at her eyes, she smiled weakly. "That's all there is to tell, really."

"He sounds like he was a wonderful man," Finn mused. "Is that why you wear his clothing? Why there are tick marks on your wall? Why you took the Skywalker last name? To honor him?"

Rey swallowed the lump in her throat. "That's why, Finny," she whispered. "That's why."

Glancing to each other, Poe and Finn thought for a long moment. At last, Poe hugged Rey close, rubbing her arm gently.

"Rey... Dr, Kalonia is putting together a counseling support group, to help with grieving. There are so many others who have lost loved ones." He tamped down his own tears as he thought of Snap Wexley. "If you want, I can register you and you can go and talk with somebody."

Rey hesitated. She most definitely did not want to have her head shrinked. To talk to and see a therapist. She wasn't weak. She wasn't insane - she was just distraught. But for Poe and Finn's sake, if for no other reason than to ease their minds, she nodded her head. She would do this to show thankfulness for their love and concern for her.

* * *

Poe dropped Rey off on the support group's first day of meeting. He had a conference to attend with Finn, but promised that they would both swing by to pick her up when she was done. Giving her a parting kiss on the forehead, he left.

Dr. Kalonia was a kind, giving woman. For their first session, she instructed her patients to take sheets of paper and write letters to their deceased loved ones. The doctor clarified that no one would be required to take part in the letter reading, scheduled for their next meeting.

At this, Rey blanched. There was so much she wanted to write to Ben, so much she _needed_ to say. One page would not be enough. Maybe not even ten. Could she let out everything she needed to express and still leave enough paper for the others?

Coming to the front of the paper line and hefting up a modest stack, Rey sat by herself at a table, and slowly began to write...


	2. Chapter 2: Loved

**Chapter 2: Loved**

Rey didn't read her letter to Ben at their next meeting. She didn't feel comfortable with everyone knowing her secret, details so private and intimate. She did, however, read the letter to the two men who knew everything about her, other than her soulmate.

She had been surprised that her letter had not filled ten pages. It had definitely exceeded one page... but not much more than that. Rey guessed that when it came to expressions of the heart, the fewer words said it all. Besides... wherever he was, Ben knew what was in her heart. She had to believe that.

The night after her second support group class, which Rey was finding strangely comforting, the Jedi Knight gathered with Poe and Finn at the cliffs, which had rapidly turned into one of their favorite gathering spots. Smiling bittersweetly and shyly, her eyes rapidly filling with tears before she even uttered the first line, Rey began to share with her best friends what she had written to the love of her life:

_My dearest, sweet love... My Ben,_

_I sleep in your black clothing every night, which is a rather fitting choice for my nightgown. I count the days since I last held you in my embrace, for I know how to wait and wait faithfully. I gladly take and use your family's last name, as I surely would have done in some form when we married. _

_I cry myself to sleep every night. When I meditate, I implore you to Be with me, Be with me, Be with me... but there is no answer, and nobody comes. I pore myself into Jedi training, but my only thoughts are of you. Your glorious smile. Your soft laugh. I exist day by day with only one half of my soul inside me. I wander listlessly, and still my heart cries out in anguish, 'Why?'_

_I can still feel the tingle of your lips on mine. It was everything I had imagined for my first kiss - our first kiss. The feel of your lips against mine was everything I ever dreamed it would be. When you held me, when you kissed me, I knew I never wanted to kiss anyone else ever, for as long as I lived. I only wish that we had had more time together, to share many more kisses. To have children._

_You traded your life for mine. You didn't deserve to die in my place. I weep for you, and wallow in the pain of your leaving... but I am also trying to slowly understand why you made the choice you did. Your giving of your life for me is part of my love for you. I am so proud of you, darling... so proud... Someday, when I die, I will pass on into the Force. My only and dearest wish is to see you again on that happy day, and hold you in my arms. Until then, I shall carry you with me. I shall remember and cherish our love faithfully, adoring and honoring one man. _

_I am yours, will always be yours, now and forever. _

_Your Wife and Your Soulmate,_

_Rey_

By the time she finished, both Poe and Finn were crying, and not even bothering to hide it.

"That was beautiful," the pilot sniffed.

"I'm so proud of you, Rey," Finn warbled.

"I have never heard anything so touching. It is very... romantic, darling," came a third voice.

Rey's head snapped up from her paper, eyes wide in the moonlight. Slowly, hardly daring to believe it, she turned at the sound of that voice - a voice she thought she might never hear again, and yet in this instant, swelled her heart.

That very same heart that just for a second, stopped beating. Her throat went dry, and her voice came out in a raspy croak.

"Ben?" she whispered. And the next second, she clapped a hand to her mouth as a happy sob burst free.

For there he stood, shimmering and translucent but still ever so handsome. He was blessing her with the same smile he had given her after they kissed. Shimmering tears were also in his eyes.

With a radiant and beaming smile, Rey ran into his arms. Laughing, Ben caught her, picked her up and spun her around as she shrieked and giggled in delight. And then, setting her down, and with Rey flinging her arms about his neck, the couple shared a long, dreamy kiss. Rey closed her eyes happily, and she melted, even as tears continued to spill and stream down her cheeks.

"Mmm... Hmmm... Oh... Oh, Ben..."

Watching the happy couple embrace, Poe and Finn smiled supportively. The simultaneous awe that struck them hardly crossed their minds. They watched as Rey and Ben shared another soft kiss, the Jedi tenderly caressing his face. She rested her head on his chest, her smile utterly content, even as she asked, moaning.

"Why did you leave me?"

"I didn't want to, sweetie. The Force had other plans for me."

"The Force is cruel!" Rey moaned, clinging to him. "Stay with me! Why is it only now that you have come to me?"

"Because I see now that you need me, as much as I need you."

Rey gazed up into his face. "I've always needed you, Benny. I always will need you."

Ben beamed down at her lovingly. "Then I will visit you always. If you ever need me, whenever I feel your love for me, I will come. We are bonded together by the stars and by the Force. Whenever you ask it of me, whenever you need me, I will come."

Letting out a strangled gasp, Rey yanked Ben's face towards her and kissed him again. Not caring that they had an audience, not caring that Finn and Poe were watching them openly kissing, they held each other for a long moment before breaking apart. Rey smiled at Ben adoringly, and he smiled back, bending down to bestow a tiny kiss on her forehead.

"I have to go, honey. But from now on, I will come back for you, sweetheart. I promise." He dropped another kiss to her soft lips. "I love you, my Rey."

Rey beamed. "I know. I love you too, darling Ben. Goodbye until tomorrow."

Ben grinned. "Until we meet again."

One more kiss, and then Ben stepped slowly away, his eyes only for his Jedi princess. Raising his hand in a hearty wave, he turned and his blue spirit faded away on the wind. Smiling tearfully, Rey blew him a kiss in parting.

Turning back to the cliffs, she started and blushed when she saw Poe and Finn smiling at her with deep amusement. "W...what?" she stammered. Her chinks turned even more pink.

Crossing to her, Poe and Finn took her in their arms, so that the three friends embraced.

"We're happy for you," the pilot murmured.

"What he said," the ex-Stormtrooper echoed.

The Jedi threw back her head and for the first time since losing her husband, she laughed - a real, true, genuine laugh. "Come on. Let's go get some dinner."

"Damn right!" Finn expressed. "After that kind of close encounter, I need to walk that off with some good bantha meat..."

The two men ambled away through the trees. Pausing at the treeline just ahead of the cliffs, Rey glanced back. A soft breeze whistled through the branches and kissed her face. Closing her eyes, and basking in it, she smiled.

What her mentor Luke Skywalker had said was true: no one's ever really gone. And now she knew, deep in her heart and healing soul, that she would see Ben again.

"And we will see each other again. I believe that. Good night, my Ben."

And with that, Rey slipped into the trees to join her friends at the _Falcon_ for supper.


End file.
